Thursday, December 14, 2006
The reason why I eat stress for breakfast. Sigh*
First story: Yest morn, I went to school to have my reg form stamped. That would serve as my permit for today's prelim exam. Man. I could have done that days ago, 'coz for the past three weeks I go to school almost everyday to attend my class and do some important stuff. I could have just simply visited the cashier window one time and get my permit in a sec. But I didn't! Yesterday, OK, no classes. Why should I wake up early and go to school? I'd just bury my face on the pillow, er, start reading the first 12 chapters of our book in NCM205. But, thanks shillyshally, there I was... out of the house by seven to join the queue infront of the accounting office. What a hassle.
Next story? Uhm.. Yawn* OK, I'll just tell you later. (Haha! Speaking of the habit.) Nah.. Like I'm proud of telling you. Nevamind. This procrastidumdum has to get out of my system. But for the meantime, I'm outta here. Ta ta.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I remember teaching my three-year-old brother how to read.
I remember kindergarten and visiting the guidance office with mum.
I remember watching Maskman after Sunday school.
I remember that he's not with us anymore.
I remember gano'n-gano'n and waya-waya.
I remember the pain from a fractured arm.
I remember the smell of my new school stuff.
I remember Jedai, my puppy, dying.
I remember my Flintstones notebooks.
I remember delivering a kid's sermon in front of the folks one Sunday.
I remember dancing with my childhood buddies.
I remember getting a pretty nasty scar above my left eye.
I remember the song she made for me.
I remember saying goodbye to her.
I remember him giving me a letter.
I remember that stupidity in my first major competition.
I remember the two diamonds and a shiny scabbard.
I remember my university acceptance letter.
I remember the cold wind on my face.
I remember that sunset.
I remember talking to him one night.
I remember 1.0.
I remember 3.0
I remember my second first day in college.
I remember the mud on my uniform.
I remember laughing.
I remember crying.
I remember that funny beat.
I remember running to reach the E.R.
I remember slipping in slow motion and breaking my ankle.
I remember popping the prescription meds into my mouth.
I remember meeting her in the classroom.
I remember Him meeting me in my heart.
I remember me standing to receive.
I remember what He did for me.
I remember that I am alive.
Sometime last week, I realized that I was consumed with loneliness. Sigh. Pretty emotional huh? Believe me, I wish I'm just making up an excuse for being suddenly undemonstrative, but the feeling's all over my senses. I hated it. I'm surrounded by people... I've got friends... My social life is in excellent condition. Then like out of the blue, I felt as if no one really sees me and no one cares for me. Ouch. It's whispered by the enemy, I know, and I hated myself for not rebuking it immediately. For letting it penetrate my consciousness. For giving it some thought. And lastly, for believing it.
For days I wondered why people don't see me as I see them. I can easily feel it when they're lonely, angry, troubled or afraid. Somehow I could tell what's going on by merely observing their behaviors or facial expressions. I would ask them, "Kumusta?", "Are you OK?", "May problema ba?"... I love it when people ask me the same. A simple caring question has an express lane direct to my heart. I tend to open up about my worries or deepest joy in being asked with as simple as "Kumusta na, Jhen?"... Lalo na when I feel that the person is really sincere and interested in knowing how I feel.
What a blessing that I have (true) friends. I take good care of them. When I feel that they need me, I don't deny them comfort or encouragement. I try my best to make them feel good... show them that they're not alone. I'm not expecting people to do more for me than what I do for them. But in times like these, when you're down, wouldn't it be nice to have someone lift your spirit up?
Sigh. This loneliness is unbearable. A trial that could be so disheartening. Then something like a thunder echoed in my mind as I thought, "Wait. Don't I have Jesus Christ in my life already?"
This is the Word of God in 2 Timothy 4:16-17: "At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength..."
Now the Spirit has spoken to me. What are you trying to tell me, God?
I realized that I have sinned. I shouldn't have depended so much on the comfort and love that people can give me. God has used my loneliness to get my attention and show me that He's all I need. It brought me to a point of surrender when I realized that His love is perfect... He sees me... He cares for me... and I can take comfort from the Word of God. His love is enough to snatch me away from the bitterness and disappointment caused by loneliness. The Lord is always standing at my side. I am never alone even if it feels like I am.
Truly, this is the Spirit of God strengthening me.
Thursday, December 7, 2006
In the beginning... (Wait. This isn't Jhenesis) Eherm. Hey hey hey, folks! Now I've got a blog. I mean, ANOTHER blog account. My blogs before were almost empty if not super nonsensical. This time I'd be more enthusiastic in posting my experiences, thoughts, feelings, ADLs, and stuff. This is me... my musings and all.... decomplexified. (fireworks please)